On this rainy and cold day, I found my perfect birthday. I re-analyzed, rediscovered and repainted myself as a young woman, who is done with childish foolishness, who has done searching for a goal in life, who discovered her path. I am 24, it is time to stop searching and to start building. Fortunate me! I feel I know what I have to do in life, I know which things make me happy, fulfilled, and happy to be. So rare these things might seem nowadays!
During the last year I have sweetened my thinking, payed much more attention to the spiritual, mistic part of my existence. I came down from the abstract realms of rationality, I searched for my intuition, for my spontaneity, for the feeble voice of my soul who was trying to whisper until now that peace of mind cannot be attained without a piece of soul. I tried my best to stop judging everything by their results, to stop evaluating my day by checking my deeds. I tried to catch the hidden meaning of the moments that seem to have no goal.
I got attracted by astrology, by transpersonal psychology, by the concept of "energy". "Energy" entered my vocabulary as a words so full of meaning, encompassing all things and being the underlying substance of the Universe. I solidified my life choices by validating them with what (pretty serious) personality tests and astrological interpretations. (Of course, the most validating of it all is the feeling that I feel fulfilled by what I do.) Transpersonal psychology was the most useful step I ever made in the spiritual direction. If I knew by now that there is a God in a highly rational and abstract way, I have now learned to see Him and love Him in a highly intuitive and spiritual way, without really caring about His form in world religions. I now see unity, harmony, I see the power of our minds. So deterministic until now, being so fascinated until now by law (of the universe, of our society), I have now learned that laws can be bent if we only deem it possible and really wish for it. I learned how important parents are, how important it is to understand them and accept exactly as they are, and moreover, to maintain an open channel of communication - because they represent an amazingly essential part of one's own inner core, and distancing yourself from them is distancing yourself from a huge part of your own self.
It could seem paradoxical, but I became at the same time more practical. I now imagine how a life of philosophical study could bring you as emptyhearted as a life without it. It is indeed beautiful to be so separated by the worldly issues and enjoy a life of leisure and scholarship. Yet they could equally bring an emptiness and a sense of uselessness very hard to fight with. These, it seems to me, are beautifully balanced by active involvement in what you care about. In my case, it's education. I do feel myself fulfilled when I have an active role in increasing people's awareness about themselves, about the wonders of the world, and about how education is important for their personal development.
Nothing could seem more taboo yet be more appropriate to think about on your birthday than death and getting older. As if by chance we have been talking here at ECLA about what it is to confront the idea of dying, how to prepare for death, what it is to live your life well, what it is to feel that you're getting older and that until now you have wasted your time. Surely, I won't feel the imminence of death until I'll be dying. Yet there is some usefulness in this kind of thinking. It gives you a permanent frame of reference, a guide for judging that what you're doing is "as it should".
In this context, I came to appreciate what I have now. I have my loving parents, with whom I seem to get along and to understand better and better. I have my beloved Andrei, without whom I cannot live. I have so many wonderful friends, which I hope will always be by my side. I have my work, my philosophy, my passions. And if I'm mentally healthy, health problems will also stay away. And when everything runs so smooth, money are never to be a problem.
Avanti, I say to myself, 'cause nothing can go wrong when you do all things that fulfill you, keep close all people that are dear, and refrain for doing things just because "you have to" or "this is how life is". Life is what I make of it, and at 24 I am ready to paint it in the brightest colors.
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